Allow me
to let you in on several of our little secrets. It will likely lead to a silent
shunning from my kind, but such is the price I choose to pay.
1) Make your point and stop talking
Most of
observation is focus and the greatest inhibitor for us all is often ourselves.
This is especially true for the extroverts that feel the need to contribute for
the vast majority of the conversation. First, silently focus your mind on
restraining your desire to think out loud. Next, continuously choose your
battles and strategically make your contributions to the conversation.
2) Stop waiting for your chance to speak
This is
where it really gets difficult, especially for us introverts. More often than
not, people not talking are waiting for a pause in the conversation or, for
those more impatient, a breath to be taken. As difficult as it may be, you need
to train your mind to realize you're doing this and stop.
Now that
you have a firm grasp of your tongue and mind, let me welcome you to my happy
place.
As you
know, most communication is non-verbal and therefore your sense of sight is
crucial. These next techniques will teach you to hone your vision for
observational purposes.
3) Watch how people speak
Our
parents teach us to look people in the eyes when speaking, which is respectful,
but not always necessary in a group setting. Honestly, someone's eyes don't
tell you much. However, their facial expressions, where they are looking, the
difference between the direction of their face and eyes, their posture, their
arms, their hands and their legs all speak volumes. For example, someone that
goes from a relaxed speaking position, to an upright posture, speaking with
their hands and fervently looking everyone in the eyes is likely an extrovert
thinking out loud that stumbled onto a topic very important to them. They are
likely very emotionally attached to their point of view and likely to defend it
vigorously. This is where the scientific method can be helpful. Make some
assumptions, hypothesize what's behind those non-verbal cues and test your
theories later on. Also, once a speaker relinquishes the proverbial podium stay
focused on them for a few more seconds. The switch can provide very useful
information. For example, an eye roll conveys their opinion of the new speaker.
4) Watch how people listen
Most
people tend to focus singularly on the person speaking, going from one to the
next and so on. Everyone in the room is always communicating. Even if someone
is just starring at the speaker not moving an inch you can hypothesize that
they are likely engaged and interested in what's being said. Scan the room.
Others may not be as engaged.
5) Don't fixate on a single person
Eventually
someone is going to notice you staring at them or potentially your use of these
techniques as well. Either way, you need to shift your focus fluidly yet
sporadically through the room. This is not necessarily just to avoid detection.
Continuously shifting your focus, say every 3 to 5 seconds, allows you to
observe more and likely pick up on more queues such as a shift in posture.
Recently, I encountered a person that totally freaked me out by fixating on me.
I was on a Hertz shuttle bus headed back to LGA and there was a guy sitting 15
degrees off directly in front of me. At first he was staring at my aggie ring,
likely wondering what it was from. Next he stared me in the eyes which clued
him into the fact that I was observing him, specifically his eyes. So there we
were eyes locked. I thought to myself, I'll take this challenge and I'm not
going to look away because I want him to know I know he was looking at my ring.
After 5 seconds of him staring, which felt as if through me, I conceded and
looked away. Either he was the better man or he was the creepy man.
6) Sit where you can see everyone
Once
you're skilled in the previous techniques you will find yourself wanting to
move to where you can see everyone. Avoid your natural tendency to just sit in
the back of the room. Next time, get a seat at either end of the front row.
7) Use your peripheral vision
This is
another technique that compounds on the previous. Once you've figured out the
most probable general mental state of everyone in the room, start relying on
your peripheral vision to notice changes in those mental states. This happens often when the speaker shifts.
For example, most people tend to make large shifts in their posture, tilting
their heads back or rolling their eyes when they grossly disagree or dislike
the new speaker.
8) Look for patterns
People's
distaste or opinion of others may manifest itself over the course of multiple
body language changes, which may even escalate as the conversation progresses.
Or the inverse, someone might sit up every time a specific person speaks. Your
memory is crucial for this technique. Don't try to write this stuff down but
typing can work if you can stay focused on the room as well.
9) Utilize other extroverts
The other
extroverts have likely not made it past the second technique, so you might as
well use it to your advantage. Statistically most of you think aloud, which if
unguarded can be quite revealing. This tendency can be easily exploited to test
your hypothesis. Use this sparingly and, of course, wisely.
10) Draw us introverts out of our happy place
As they
say, the quiet ones are the ones you need to worry about. We are either deep in
thoughtful consideration of the topic or have lost interest entirely. Identify
the introverts in the room and make it a point to seek their thoughts on the
topic at hand. If you like to plan ahead, request an inventory of everyone in
the room's expertise on the topic early in the meeting to use later on to draw
out introverts' relevant expertise and reflections on the matter.
11) Stay focused
Your mind
is a powerful tool and if let loose it may wonder a bit. Stay focused. Your
objective is to glean as much as possible from the conversation and if you
stray there's no telling where you'll end up. You might find yourself alone in
a dark room, yet such is the fate of the vast majority of this world.
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